For us diabetes amplifies everything; if you feel just-not-right then broken blood sugar will make it wrong, as alcohol does an alcoholic; every bone of contention, every pulse of ill will, slight upset or lull, every wave of exhaustion and misunderstanding all amplified.
Deformation of sadness, doubt, and dependency; symptoms lost in a bigger world, it leaves us wilting. We push on. Living with a profitable disease is a double-edged sword, sure they are going to make us new medicines every fifteen years once patents for the last have run out, and these on some level will spell vast improvement over previous. But it’s for us to direct and decide upon, which of
these medicines is suitable again in meeting with our state-of-being, not solely encapture the requirements of a mass Diabetes Industry’s profiteering. – It’s not such a bad situation to be
in; on a good day it’s not such a bad disease to have. Our health is readily manageable with the right communication: no miracle medicine in the world is going to work without precise communication. My problem is the same as yours: my solution the same as yours.
At present I am lost, my character thin, my confidence gone, expectations
extinguished, soaked through with doubt, nurtured in worry, close to giving up entirely. I used to be better than this, I used to look the world dead in the eye and I thought I could stare down the sun, now the world’s gotten the better of me.
Responsibility for everything and it’s all too hard but I’m going to make myself better. Maybe it’s the time I find on my hands, or my current health status. This book just seems right.
Seventeen years of feeling like that fly, banging its head off the bar window. I’m a better person when my sugar is level. I’m nicer to be around. Content not frustrated. I do this because there is no other way. Please stay with me.
Week four of being human and I have no intention of leaving this island. I crave new challenges I want to be involved. So this is what it feels like to be young? I don’t feel uncomfortable all the time anymore, I feel fresh and capable. I can’t remember feeling like this since I was a kid.
Clearing out the cobwebs and now to come to terms with having been ill for seventeen years.
Writing this book has made me realise how I see the world. Made me realise how high sugar has changed me. I’m actually quite a nice person.
I hope I’m nicer to be around and for me it’s great to see how lovely the people around me are. I don’t feel like everyone around me is having a go at me anymore. I don’t take everything to heart and no longer feel everything is a poor reflection on me.
Six months on
Every day is lovely, the trees show me how young I am, cool breeze refreshes me, water reflecting sky and I am privileged to walk around here in the company of all you beautiful souls. The smiles of others light me up and I know tears can be recovered from. It’s time to create some little ones, a George Victor, a Jack Stephen.
We should never and I will never again allow myself to feel guilty over being ill. I know I am doing everything I can to be healthy and that’s way beyond what most non-diabetics do.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It’s true, it’s not good to keep it all bottled up inside.
Taken from ‘Getting better, state of mind (original notes).’